they think i am a problem that can be fixed
like the leaky roof above their lofty heads
they believe the tile i have lost can be replaced-
it occurs to so few that there are irreplaceable parts
“we were just kids” she laments
like it hasn’t been me inside of this body the entire time
like it wasn’t me she unknowingly dialed that night at the beach-
said all those mean and hurtful things about
they think i should be more grateful-
for their help when my mother died
for the access they allow me to their family
it’s almost like they believe in self-righteousness, in saviorism, in pity and it’s obvious they think these things should be worth something
to someone like me
“i’ve never known anyone like you” she exasperates
we both know this isn’t a compliment she’s giving me
it’s a last row of sorts, a ‘why can’t you be different!?’
and i (of course) am thinking the very same thing-
only i’ve known plenty of others like her
too many perhaps
i can’t bring myself to look her in the eye when i tell her
‘it just feels like you don’t understand me.’ her response is earnest, her tone clipped, i feel her sit taller and look right through me when she says,
“well that’s not my fault”
i don’t realize it in the moment, i am too jilted to see
but these are the words i have longed to hear her speak-
they drop like rocks in my heart heavy hand, then turn to gold in time
they give voice and wings to what i already know,
what i have always known,
even way back then
when i was just a kid
about this poem
this poem is for anyone who has repeatedly been made to feel othered or less than by someone close to their lives, by people they’ve invested their time, energy & love into in a futile attempt to be seen or understood (accepted really) exactly as they are. this is a very specific and haunting type of emotional pain; but those who have experienced it know exactly how it feels. and so too then, this poem is for those who have found the courage to tell someone close to them, “you’re hurting me” or “i don’t know why i feel this way, only that i do” and have been met with dismissive or patronizing or condescending energy; (really anything but compassion or empathy) i feel you, i see you and i’m sending you my love thru the wire..thanks for reading~ xo,s.
santos scribes 
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